A Few Radical Random Thoughts

Over the past month or so, these are some of the random thoughts posted on that iconic social media, facebook. They're perseverative, redundant and rebellious. It's just the way a warped mind works after this nation sent me to a war even an 18 year old like me at that time could determine immoral. Some will interpret my rants as "un-American" but I have no idea what America stands for as a nation. I do feel it my duty as a citizen of the world as well as the United States to object to immoral and illegal acts and conditions our government allows. Citizenship comes with some responsibilty. Dissent is one when a government fails to do its duty to uphold the Constitution. The Bill of Rights has been shredded by years of oligarchic rule and Americans have passively accepted it. We come up with many reasons to look the other way from jobs to material possessions. But can we look at the younger generations and say we did our best???


1.) If American workers cared enough about restoring their country to what it should be, they'd shut down the t.v., put down the damn phones and shut down the workplace. How much more shit do we need to have our noses rubbed in to come to realize the banks, the government and the big corporate bosses don't give a damn about our welfare? They only care about the welfare of the tax dollars bailing them out and funding their theft from the working class. Hundreds of thousands can watch a football game played for billionaires by millionaires but can't get their assses out in the streets to demand an end to the tyranny of the rich????? Working in healthcare, I can honestly say the bosses of the health industry, including "non-profits", don't care about their patients nearly as much as they care about their bottom line. And they expect healthcare workers to feel noble enough not to object. Time to get over that nobility when there is no reciprocating respect from the management. Maintaining the status quo isn't good patient care, it only prolongs the misery of patients not getting necessary services. They'll try to lay a guilt trip on anybody daring to suggest a work stoppage or collective bargaining but where is their guilt in expecting unsafe patient to caregiver ratios in clinics and hospitals???? Where is the guilt when turning away the indigent by putting their ER on diverts and triaging the poor out of care?


2.) The rich and powerful aren't content to "just" be rich. They want their serfs, the American workers, so tired, so in debt and so discouraged they won't object, won't protest against the insidious and overt oppression money can buy for them. Seeing Scott Olsen this morning on Dem. Now reminded me why we can't allow the oppression to beat us down. We can resist in whatever way is possible for us. But, as 2012 nears, for our own personal integrity we need to resist, object, protest and continue the struggle. This is our country!

3.) A recent post indicates 3 times as many returning veterans (from Iraq/Afghanistan) have died as a result of suicide as have been killed in action. Sadly that ratio is the same as the suicide rate of Vietnam vets. The real crime is the military and the mental health community had ample knowledge about the emotional toll of combat and sexual assault in the military but failed to prepare for it. How many lives were needlessly lost because of this failure? And the bigger question would be why were we ever at war and why did millions of innocents die because of our reckless imperialism??


4.) What kind of mind feels it acceptable to kill a woman in front of her kids because he can't possess her? Or spit on an eight year old girl because she dresses "immodestly"? It can only be the hate for women that consumes so many of us males that leads to such acts. Or is it religious fanaticism? But then again misogyny rears its ugly head in so many of the so called pious religions. These things don't surprise me.....just depresses me.

5.) Here's to pissing off the mindless mobs who never give a thought to the wars we inflict on others nor the victims we dehumanize as collateral damage. If I'm pissing you off by reminding you of the uncomfortable things you don't like to hear, I'm elated!

6.)Think about this.....around 400 families have more combined wealth than the poorest 150 million Americans combined. One hour of a wealthy CEO or corporate owner's salary could equal the entire 430, 000 dollars of donations for the poor in a recent Denver food and clothing drive. The pigs of the Congressional and Presidential trough bicker over a measly hundred dollars per week for the middle class and poor in payroll tax deductions and extending unemployment. They attempt to allow big corporations to be exempt from provisions against preexisting condition disqualification in the Affordable Healthcare Act. They attempt to portray the building of a pipeline carrying the dirtiest form of oil in the world crossing the largest fresh water aquifer in this nation as a jobs program and damn our children and grandchildren with the burden of the environmental disaster the is inevitable. Unions, workers, parents and grandparents need to wake up!!! The national debt isn't the problem. The national welfare state for the rich and entitled is what is destroying us. Profits from wars and profits from the sick and dying are where our nation's moral compass clearly points. We are sacrificing our morality to become economic serfs. When do we become outraged enough to stop the insanity???

7.) I watched a short video of a sheriff's department evicting a family from their home. The obviously traumatized family saw their personal items being put out on the street while the sheriffs kept saying they were only doing their jobs. Seems that mantra is always being used to justify carrying out the acts of the immoral. As cops sprayed demonstrators with pepper spray they later commented they were only doing their job. The demonstrators, many homeless, dared to pitch tents on public property. The mayor claimed health department regulations made him just do his job of clearing them out. The governor, with the most hilarious excuse, claimed he just did his job to prevent a flash fire amongst the tents. Just doing my job. The lame excuse whenever we humans decide to carry out immoral acts.


8.)Is the world better off because of globalization of labor? Look at China where it seems most everything consumed by Americans is produced. There is the wealthy few and then the rest of the Chinese people living in near poverty or poverty. So has Wal-Mart improved the lives of the Chinese in the country they have their biggest distribution center? Has Nike kept children from making their exorbitantly priced shoes? The economic boom of China and other nations we exploit for their cheap labor has come at the cost of workers being abused and treated as serfs much like in the middle ages. And the same companies who advertise themselves as true-blue Americans and exploit the troops by including them in their advertising schemes don't pay taxes to help grow this nation, they've effectively decreased the wages of every working American by undercutting and undermining collective bargaining and they continue to strip jobs from the American economy. How patriotic can they get? The Waltons, Koch brothers and all the oligarchy have only one flag they swear an allegiance to and it isn't the red, white and blue. They will have you believe they have been great philanthropists with their charitable deeds but their business practices erase whatever good deeds they perform. And like the "good" Christian who lets everybody know how righteous he is by blatant demonstration of faithful prayer and charity so too do these rich racketeers make sure their deeds are part of the advertising of their goods.
If true globalization of labor is to happen, all workers will make a living wage and be able to prosper for their endeavors. And the rich will still be rich. History shows when labor has been at the highest levels of unionization this nation was at its most prosperous.

9.) The question could be posed to a man with a conscience if he could take the job of building nuclear weapons knowing they would be used or refuse to take part in the nihilist practice of life. Or if a man or woman knowing a war was immoral could continue fighting that war simply because they were ordered. Our lives are confronted with such choices everyday. Will we choose to be a positive force or go along knowing we're contributing to the negative forces that are destroying life. Our morality is based on these things. Do we criminalize the homeless or recognize they exist? Do we drive past a person in danger or take a chance? Do we sacrifice our values day in and day out thinking someday we'll reclaim them? I'm sick of observing those who care only how they're doing and look away at the suffering of others.

10.) I visited Senators and representatives before the wars began and after they began. They patted me on the head as if I had no idea of the corruption. They turned red in the face when I confronted their lies and blustered noncommittal answers. They may pepper spray me, beat me and jail me but I will no longer meekly sit by and politely ask for my rights. I plan on demanding my rights. They may imprison me but they can never imprison the idea there can be no peace without justice!! A cell is not a thing that can contain the idea of freedom and basic rights for all people. 2012 presents us with the opportunity to gather twice as the rich and elite of both parties divvie up their prizes in their conventions. Americans need to show up.


11.) I was tear gassed in a Marine brig, beaten and gassed at a convention, jailed for non violent civil disobedience, shackled and cuffed as I walked across the tarmac of National Airport in DC as a GI resister. Go ahead Mr. President, sign a bill that tries to take away my rights. I no longer fear the fascist pigs of police brutality or the attempts to revoke basic rights. I remember during the days of the freedom riders when Mississippi decided they'd imprison all the riders. It only created greater solidarity and a greater sense of dedication. They were beaten, water hosed and had dogs set loose on them but they kept returning And so must we!!!

The Violence of the Hick and the Dick

Hick & Cock seem bound on provoking violence in the city of Denver. Their answer of homeless shelters is like asking cattle to enter the feed yards. Like the old song of "signs, signs everywhere signs....do this, do that" describes what they offer. Most single men without proof of recent TB testing and ID won't be admitted to one of these fine shelters they so often tout. As many mental health professionals know, psychotic, delusional and veterans with PTSD and substance abuse issues aren't going to enter the shelters. What? You say put them in a psych unit. In the past five years over 2/3 of the inpatient psych beds in the region have been closed. The most galling is the unit at the state funded University Hospital. Psych units aren't the answer to the homeless problem. Jails aren't the answer even if the legal system now houses and treats the most mental health patients in the state. Veterans with hypervigilance and self medicating problems aren't viable candidates for the cattle call admittance to the overnight shelters. There are no wet shelters for the functional or peaceful addict or alcoholic. Denver Cares or Arapahoe Detox are nightmares and not meant as shelters. In the past many veterans created encampments along the S. Platte called names like Clintonville, Bushville and the sort. At least they had some shelter and had each other's backs. But gentrification by the returning yuppies from suburbia meant the blight of encampments had to go. LoDo's million dollar condos couldn't look out over shanty town encampments of the homeless unwilling to enter the lottery of the overnight bedding shelters. So the encampments moved south and north but cops and authorities harassed the bridge people, the encampments and the park dwellers with fines, arrests for public intoxication, public urination and other legal issues. They knew these homeless people could never pay the fines and would end up with failure to appears or serving time in city or county jails. Out of sight out of mind. The criminalization of being homeless and not wanting to jump all the hoops demanded in the city, state and federal supported shelters grows every day. Every year the snow comes and the weather gets deadly and still there are homeless people who refuse to enter the shelters. That alone is an indictment of these shelters meeting the needs of the wide range of homeless. And less we forget, there is a triage system in which families, battered women and single women take precedence over single men. Homeless shelters for veterans only don't exist even though a good 40% of all men over the age of 30 that are homeless are veterans. Veterans in a crowded shelter of homeless people can be a time bomb. One intrusion into a personal space can create a trigger leading to flashbacks and violence. But most veterans are weeded out anyway because so many are self medicating and homeless people don't get admitted to shelters if they're thought to be intoxicated or under the influence.


Hick and Cock would have you believe there's a room or place for all and there's no need for shanties, burn barrels or sleeping on steam grates downtown. And homeless people are so damned dirty and such a turnoff for the rich hotel dwellers from out of town or visiting the sites around Civic Center. What's laughable is Civic Center Park has long been known as a haven to make a drug score while cops looked on in boredom and disinterest. CCH has become tied up in all the politics as well as many of the shelters "approved" by the authorites. Too often these folks berate groups like Food Not Bombs for feeding the homeless with the premise it only encourages the homeless population to shun the "real shelters" and leaves too many on the streets.

A few years back I was developing a small federally granted house for the homeless and decided to do site visits of all the different shelters in the area. It soon became clear there was backbiting and infighting in spades between the different shelters. Directors would bad mouth each others' programs and tout their own. It didn't take long to figure out the chase for government and charity dollars was leading to this uncoordinated effort.

While Hick would like you all to know how he pushed for more housing for the homeless during his mayoral tenure, he fails to mention all the subsidized housing lost to gentrification. Housing formerly used by mental health centers for their clients. All the touted new housing wasn't even keeping up with the housing lost to gentrification. And then Hick decided a state of the art jail spending around a half billion dollars was necessary. A jail increasing bed capacity by 200 some beds.

Hick had a study done to see about jail diversion of populations with addiction and mental health problems done prior to the push for the new jail. The experts found for every one dollar spent in treatment 5-10 dollars of incarceration dollars could be saved. He ignored the study because the new jail made for some lucrative land deals and some political capital put out to the contractors bidding on the construction of the new jail.

Well, along came the Bush depression causing cuts in state and city budgets. And staffing a new jail with 200 more beds has become a problem. But keep in mind more and more homeless people are sent to jail following multiple arrests for petty misdemeanors they can't pay fines for and failure to appear charges because they either know they can't pay or they don't have an address to get their summons.

The new jail and all the jails in the metro area have become default homeless shelters. "It's a crime to be broke in America" was a rap done by Michael Franti and Spearhead a while back. And he wasn't wrong at all.

So, where does the provocation of violence come into play by Hick and Cock? They are in a full fledged battle against the occupy movement gaining traction in their city, their state. They see tents and burn barrels to warm people as crimes requiring full riot police participation. They see food served to the hungry as a threat to the state and city. They follow their corporate masters who want their corporate streets sanitized of the homeless and those willing to miss showers and comforts of home to make a huge political stand for economic equity, social justice and systemic change.

Every since the battle for Seattle at the WTO gathering every major police agency has trained for the confrontations of the poor and middle class seeking redress of their government. The feds have used terrorism as sledge hammer to dismantle the civil rights of all Americans. And a great majority of Americans have agreed to give up freedom for a false sense of security. They say they have nothing to hide and think those who object to the violations of the constitution must surely be hiding sedition and terrorism.

Hick and Cock and all their parallel flunkies around the nation see the Egyptian summer and the willingness of the oppressed to go toe to toe against overwhleming force and fear the rocks and bottles may be coming their way. And in a self fulfilling way that's what they seem to be provoking in their willingness to fight the homeless and their supporters from Occupy Denver.

Cock got roundly booed and called a fascist at a vigil for the homeless who died this past year. Some think it was disrespectful to those being mourned but maybe we should think about how many lives could have been saved had Hick and Cock done the right thing instead of continuing the battle against the homeless by criminalizing it as quickly as they can. Maybe it's time to let this city know the poor and homeless are humans deserving the same respect as the oil executive or campaign contributor.

A message to Hick and Cock. If you act like fascists expect a blowback of violence and civil disobedience to occur. And all your riot police can't put the fires of rage out like they did a few warming barrels last night. I don't say this to encourage violence but history demonstrates oppression leads to an eventual revolutionary change.

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The Hypocrite Hancock Doesn't Honor Homeless

I can understand the problem some had with protesters aligning themselves with Occupy Denver interrupting and cat-calling Mayor Hancock at the vigil for the homeless who died the last year. But, were I homeless and this clown of a mayor stepped on a stage to "honor" the homeless I'd be pretty damn angry. Keep in mind while Hancock and Gov. Hick like to do the photo-op things at shelters and vigils they are working to further criminalize homelessness. Hancock, along with ex-cop and now councilman, Charlie Brown, are plotting to make sleeping in LoDo, downtown area illegal. How can Hancock have the audacity to call himself an advocate of the homeless? Were I one of the homeless that has repeatedly been harassed and brutalized by DPD at several sites on several occasions I would be angry about an appearance of such a damn hypocrite as Hancock.


The reality is homeless folks are on the frontlines of the disparity of wealth in this nation. The rich and powerful either want to herd them into their version of shelters or in cheap motels unfit for children to thrive. They want to sanitize the tourist areas and the financial sectors of the city. Homeless not welcome.

I was once homeless for six months in this city immediately after my return from Vietnam. There was no way I would have gone to the miserable excuses they had for shelters back then. And I totally understand those who don't want to go to what they offer today.

I also respectfully disagree shouting down the mayor at the vigil is an act of a provocateur or shouldn't be done simply because it offends some and the mainstream press will jump on the negative remarks. I have been part of many groups who constantly worried about the mainstream press coverage. They planned rallies and marches for times congruent with the evening news or newspaper deadlines. And, what have they gotten the great majority of the time? Ten right wingers show up to counter protest the 500-1000 or even 100,000 protesters of the left and they get as much coverage as the larger group trying to get their message out to the mainstream public. One idiot of a large group of people can act out and the mainstream press will use that as their lead in the story about a rally or march.

I'm very much of the opinion the mainstream press can go fuck themselves. They are simply the media cheerleaders of the establisment of the rich....or as the Occupy movement says, the 1%. When Martin Luther King or the freedom riders carried out their acts of civil disobedience did the mainstream media agree with them or report objectively about their actions? When Malcolm X went to the streets with his message did the mainstream media give white Americans some understanding about the message Malcolm was giving?

And yet we continue to suck up to the bought and paid for media in anything we attempt to do in the resistance against the oligarchs? I am more an advocate of Malcolm's message of "by any means necessary" than Dr. King's message. I came to this conclusion with regret. But when a large group of people congregate to seek redress and to exercise their right to free speech, and do so peacefully, and riot police with lethal weapons appear I find it outrageous.

I don't agree with remaining passive if I'm peacefully standing in a public park expressing my protest against a system of government and corporate oppression. I'm not going to sit down to be brutalized. I'm not holding hands and not defending my skull against a robotic cop who is wired with the thrill of finally getting to use the riot training in real time. I won't try to quiet another person voicing anger at provocative riot team with the only weapons on site.

I won't talk to the mainstream press. Too many times the editing of the press creates a totally errant context of a person's thoughts. Their agenda is to create fear and negative impressions when they report on those who dissent against the oppressors in government and the corporate world.

I refuse solidarity with groups such as the Tea Party. A group funded primarily by Karl Rove and the Koch brothers is by definition a polar opposite of the type of world I struggle for. For me groups such as this are a huge part of the problem. So, seeing a member of OD call for solidarity with them is startling and I will not accept it.

For some of us older activists the outspoken and in your face reactions of the young is disturbing. We can't remember our own time of outrage as young people in the streets during the 60s and 70s or some never took part. I admit the style of some anarchists and young radicals isn't the style I'm used to at my age.

But I also remember being the rageful Vietnam combat vet organizing VVAW here in Denver. I remember a friend who was a member of VVAW and the Black Panthers. He was constantly harassed by DPD to the point they would raid his home and tear apart it apart based on a false report he was holding guns. He was running the Panther breakfast program. He refused to stop his personal resistance.

So, I don't object when an oppressed group confronts a mayor so disingenuous as Hancock. And I'd ask those who were offended at the events to try to understand the reasons the confrontation occurred. Hancock had been dodging members of the Occupy movement for weeks. His appearance at a rally for the homeless was offensive.

And I'd ask those who throw out the charge of infiltrator and provocateur against those who don't match your idea of political action to be aware how offensive these words are to activists who simply do things differently than you. The current rift of Occupy Denver and groups such as the Street Medics and Cop Watch is based on slander such as this directed toward those who didn't "stay on message" the hierarchy of OD had in mind.

Solidarity is an ideal but isn't necessarily a reality. I respect those who desire things to always be peaceful and want to cooperate with the authorities. I disagree with coordinating things with the police or the authorities, however. I respect those who want to include cops in the 99%. Hell, my wife comes from a family of cops but they wouldn't be in riot gear quite willing to bash your head or pepper spray you. I can't include the police in the 99% group when they are the hammer of the oppressors.

So, I've taken a long route to simply say it's easy to dismiss or denigrate the actions or ideals of other activists but I believe we have to keep in mind there are diverse circumstances that have brought people to the path they are on. I'm not willing to exclude those who may want to try something different than what I'm comfortable with.

The Great American Electoral Diversion

As we enter 2012 the world's attention will be diverted from the real problems and issues of the human race to the stooges of the two parties that continue to hold power with oppressive tactics and indifference to the poor or troubled. The great American election season will descend upon us like a dark cloud of death and destruction and liars and their lies will take center stage. Don't be deceived! There isn't a "good" choice. There is no choice if we're seeking true revolutionary change.

Don't be deceived! Don't allow your energy to be sapped and stolen by the thieves who tell you what you want to hear but never intend to put their words into action. They are the bought off tools of those really in power. They are the puppets of the masters of war. If you really want change spending countless hours trying to win over the electorate for a lying political puppet will only waste your time.

Oh, yeah, I've heard and been part of the electoral myth of representative government. I fought in the war of my generation and came back with tortured soul and disturbed mind. I was a sucker for all rhetoric and patriotism spewing out of their mouths in speeches they allowed others to write for them.

The great American election is a fictional endeavor to keep us distracted from the rapes and murders done in "our name". It is the con game to keep our eyes on the circus while the earth is plundered and destroyed and we are made serfs at the bidding of rich lords who are not benovolent. They are toxic, violent and destructive to life. 2012 will be the year of just one more vaudeville stage act to distract us. But this time the money to do so is unlimited thanks to the justices of a court that has no idea what justice is.

The puppets will spend more than most nations' have to spend in twenty years and the media will become their willing partner in spreading putrid lies. If the American people are willing to allow their choices to be determined by 30 second sound bites of lies and half-truths they are destined to be subjugated to third world status. There will be television in the media circus of the mythical democratic election of 2012 but the true revolution will not be televised! The puppet masters will not allow it. The masters of war will send their storm troopers in cars marked "To Protect and Serve" to attempt silencing all of us who dare speak out.

The controlled media of the oligarchy will distort and misconstrue any attempt of truth escaping the nightmare of the great American dream. It will tell you what a wonderful life you have. It will tell you workers are revered by the oppressive multinationals as they offshore and globalize your jobs to slave labor camps. They will tout your freedom and talk about the heroes who went to illegal wars to protect it but secretively build detention centers for you if you challenge their rule.


And the saddest thing is not what they do but what they fail to do. They will allow children to go hungry and starve, to die from starvation and poor water while they spend billions to deluge the airways with their phony lies and promises in order to get elected. They'll turn their backs on the heroes they so glowingly hailed when they started their wars as they live in luxurious estates and high end suites traveling around the nation to lie. They'll claim to care about the young man or woman scarred for life from the horrors of war but fail to have the moral courage to stand up for them in budget debates. They'll even use them in their campaign ads.

The great American election will be like all the others but your eyes will be glued to the tube while the corruption and evil carry on unabated. They'll talk about fetuses, homosexual marriages destroying the traditional marriage, socialism threatening the pathetic system of medical care, environmental regulations causing jobs to be lost while we breath the fumes of their toxic wastes and see the waters of our world become a huge oil slick. They'll talk about pipelines saving us from dependency on foreign oil when in fact the oil in the pipes will go to foreign markets. It will be wedge issues not real issues that will dominate the media we get via cable, net and phones.

Think about the cost of the upcoming election and then think of the child who dies ever 15-30 seconds caused by the effects of poverty. Think about the suicides of the men and women sent to wars only to increase the wealth of a few. Think about the homeless man and woman in sub-freezing temperatures being rousted during the day by storm troopers making sure the dirty and disheveled don't upset the clean and neat. And rich.

The election of 2012 will get all the headlines but the reality of human issues will be hidden from the debate. If we spend our time involved in this lie they would call democracy or freedom we delude ourselves we can make a difference.

Goodbye, Old Friend

Sylvester took his last breath around 430pm yesterday. I was holding him in my arms as Pam stroked his head between his ears...his favorite spot. He barely struggled. Just a moment of crying out in fear before he relaxed and then died peacefully as I held him and sobbed. Pam was crying too. Her baby who truly adored her had left us both. Strange how I thought of a couple of Marines who took their last breath with me at their side. I wished I could have been as gentle with them as I was with Silly. But I can cry and grieve a beloved pet. Just not a human life. Instead I get stoic and dissociate.
Now the routines we had interacting with Sylvester begin to hit us. I started to go get his food dish to wash it out as I have for years now. The reality suddenly hit me. The grief is physical as well as emotional. My body aches and I'm so very tired. I woke at 3am thinking of death. Not unusual since I often have combat nightmares. But this was grief waking me.
How in the world did I allow this cat to capture me like he did? He was frequently in competition for Pam's affection during our time together. And yet, yesterday before she came home, I reluctantly kept going down to pet and soothe him. I cried as I told him the plan. He purred loudly as I petted his head and down his now bony spine. His eyes were tired eyes of an old timer who had had enough. I understood exactly how he felt. I feel like an old blues song I often listen to that has the lyric, "I'm tired....so very, very tired".
On my facebook I commented that it seems sort of irrelevant a cat died in the face of all the problems we have in our stuggle for peace and justice. But personal heartache doesn't care about politics or the stupidity of humans. It just happens and at that moment of heartache nothing else matters. The most important thing I did yesterday was hold my old friend as he took his last breath. With my loving wife sitting right beside me and him. The most important thing I could do yesterday was tell him how much his life meant to me, that we loved him and to tell him goodbye.
After I carried his body out to the vet's pickup, I thought how appropriate it was to be snowing and so cold. It captured the pain of the loss. I returned to the house and Pam and I embraced each other and cried. It was probably the most tender embrace we've had for many years. Our lives go by and we take each other for granted until the time of heartache comes to make us remember one another.
Today I called Isaac to let him know. I thanked him for bringing Sylvester into our lives He was the one who brought the cat to our home. He was going to take care of him. That didn't last long. Isaac has his own troubles which aren't conducive to caring for a cat.
I couldn't keep from crying when I talked to Isaac. I'm sure he was upset. And, of course, my fear was he would use the death as a trigger to use cocaine. Another heartache waiting to happen. And I can't say with any certainty I will cry as I did yesterday. With Isaac it has been a long drawn out process of dying where neither Pam or I can intervene to stop it. I only hope this death of our old friend won't be the final straw for Isaac.
I miss seeing Silly in the sun room basking in the sun. Sitting with his feet tucked under his body. I miss his nagging me to remind Pam it's time for her to brush him. I'll miss him going out in our yard and turning it into his own personal jungle. How did I allow this cat to get this close to my heart?

My Wife's Cat

My wife's cat is dying. He's close to 20 years old and has been part of our lives for a third of our lives. Amazing to think as I look back. It was the year my youngest son graduated that Sylvester first came into our home. He was one of those pets that starts out being the kid's but ends up with the parents taking care of him.
He was a wild child at first. He literally tore down a ficus tree over a period of weeks. Shredded it with his claws. I became the enforcer with the spray bottle of water trying to use aversive therapy to tame him down. I got a lot of exercise chasing him as he darted here and there and finally ended up under a bed or some dark hideaway I couldn't get him out of.
Then when the youngest abandoned him, Sylvester  became Pam's cat. She was the one  person he truly attached himself to. They fell in love with one another and that love has persisted to this day.
There's been many moments when Sylvester and I seemed to be at odds because we both wanted Pam's love and attention. And he made it clear he wanted to be first in line.
He has always loved the summer. Although he's been primarily an indoor cat, he loved going out in the yard we have and strolling through the shaded tree areas, lying low in the grasses and going around the perimeter to make sure his kingdom was safe.
He loved when I started growing tall fountain grasses in the yard. It gave him more cover to be the stalker of wild bugs like moths and flies. He became a practiced expert in capturing these insects. He was a blast to watch as he lowered himself in a crouch ready to pounce. His rear end would wiggle right before he uncoiled to grab a moth out of the summer air.
We thought we were going to lose Sylvester when he was younger. He developed a urinary tract infection that resulted in an expensive operation. He ended up castrated and we changed his diet. That didn't seem to keep him from getting a little chubby.
When he first came into our home we had an old English Cocker, Daisy. She was my love. I had many dogs but Daisy was the greatest and most loving dog I ever had. Her death created a great void in my life. Sylvester loved to cuddle up against Daisy's soft coat while she lay in her favorite living room chair. She tolerated it. In some way I think she felt like the mother she hadn't been allowed to be and he saw her as the replacement for his mother he'd been taken away from when he came into our home.
When Daisy died Sylvester seemed lost and looked for her. He lay in her bed one time and never did it again. Soon he realized she was gone. And he became king of our home. We didn't mind. Well I had no choice and Pam definitely didn't mind.
Up until the time Pam left for a time to be with her niece in China while the niece adopted a child, Sylvester and I had only a live and let live relationship. When Pam was gone it was clear I had to find a way to interact with him to offset the depression he felt with his lover, Pam, gone. So, I decided brushing him might work. Did it ever.
Sylvester is one of those creatures that decides if you do something for him one time that he likes you have to do it the rest of his life. And we have. And he knows exactly what time he's to be brushed. 630 p.m. is his time. He gets feed at 5p, 9pm and 5 a.m.. If we miss those times he lets us know. But we tolerated his nagging and have come to be ruled by his schedule.
Sylvester used to fly up on the window sills or our bed. He loved looking out the windows at all the traffic and other things happening out in the front of our home. He loved sitting on Pam's lap in the evening if she was on the bed reading. He would sit in a Buddha style as she rubbed his head between his ears and talked lovingly to him. Only recently has he been unable to get up on the bed. And jump up on the window sill. He still goes out to his backyard jungle but doesn't stay as long.
This summer I started leaving the front door open so Sylvester can look out like he used to from the window. There's been a few times a neighbor cat showed up and Sylvester would hiss and growl at the intruder. He's also had a few visitors out back he's tolerated only to sit a few feet away and have a stare down.
Since I began brushing him he and I had a more cordial relationship. And he certainly didn't mind me feeding him. But  only in the last few years has he used me as the intermediary to get Pam to do what was on his schedule. If I was lying on the couch and Pam was across the room in her chair, Sylvester would come up to me and meow, stare at me in a questioning way until I would remind Pam what time it was.
Yeah I know all this pet shit is hardly world shattering. Except for us. I look at the tumor on Sylvester's side and know his time is short. But he carries on. He doesn't whine or act angry. He still wants to be brushed even as he has infrequent times his balance is off.
He still eats well but he is losing weight. He's now a bony black cat with some white markings on his paws and chest. But he still purrs lovingly when we brush him. He looks at Pam in adoration and love whenever she gives him attention. I'm jealous that I can't give her as loving looks as he does. But I'm happy to see that bond of love the two have.
I'm not a cat person. I always had dogs growing up. My mom introduced cats into our home when I was a teen but they kept their distance and I kept mine. I've always gave dogs credit for their unconditional love. Never felt cats could duplicate it. But I see Sylvester with Pam and I've changed my mind.
As he has gone down hill, he now lets me rub his head and massage his neck. He purrs and lets me know it's alright. But it isn't alright. I'm already feeling the loss. I hate that I've allowed myself to get this close to this damn cat. But I see him steadfast every day and I realize he has become a role model for me. Yeah, a cat becoming a role model. He is like the "panther kitty" Pam calls him. A black panther. He's had a mindset of being tough minded and demanding his freedom.
But Sylvester is his own lesson in grace. He's a tough guy who still demands we stay on schedule, carry out the important things in life. Like loving an old black cat that somehow managed to grab my heart when so many people could never do so. He's taught me to never give up on a relationship. There may be a time when things change.
I don't cry very often. I'm an old man who's pretty much a crank. I like my privacy. I don't like groups of people too often. Hate all the holiday parties. I have to force myself to even be social. I'm sort of close to my kids and sort of not. I'm not overly affectionate. I blame it on the war and PTSD. Probably is. I got numbed to death and loss in Vietnam. It came home with me.
I'm going to cry when Sylvester passes. I'm almost crying as I write this. He's been part of my life so long I took him for granted until suddenly he pushed himself into my heart. My wife's "panther kitty" has left a large impression on my life. I'm going to miss him something awful. Thanks Silly...thank you so very much.
Addendum:
December 19, 2011
We're going to call the vet today and have him come out to euthanize Silly. Slyvester had a good week of eating wet food for the first time since he was a kitten. But now he's not eating and can barely walk. He hangs his head in his water bowl and uses all the energy he can seem to muster just to drink. Last night I put my face down on the floor next to him to look him in the eye so I could thank him and tell him I loved him. He calmly looked at me with his tiring eyes as if he understood exactly what I said. Pam is terribly upset. Her baby will be gone. I doubt  I can ever fill that void. Strange how relationships evolve. I've come to distance myself from everybody. And I understand that exhausted feeling I see in that old black cat's eyes. I'm tired, also.