That's Me

The past months have been hard. Life doesn't always go on as always. Sometimes it goes on in spite of us. Sometimes despite our wishes. But life does go on. Having reached 60 for the first time in my life, I've suddenly wondered where my life went. I look back and find all the wasted time and wish I had it back. I look back and say, "if only". If only I had made a better decision when I was 17 enlisting in the Marines. If only I had refused to fight in a war I found intolerable and wrong but was trapped in. If only I had not been the bastard toward wife and kids as I fought the demons trapped in my mind. If only I had bought into the materialistic, self-centered life of Americans maybe I could feel better about my life.
Did I ever think I'd spend more than 40 years ruminating and obsessing on what I did when I was 18 and 19? I doubt I did. Decisions in life at an early age can haunt us for the rest of our lives. I never expected to be 60. Hell, I never expected to be 30. I can't say whether it is a sense of survival or just a cowardly fear of death that has kept me alive. Maybe both. There certainly have been times I wished I could off myself and leave this world a better place. And there have been times when I felt I had to do something to make this place a better world.
Since January of this year depression has been the most descriptive part of my life. Sometimes immobilizing, sometimes suicidal and sometimes just enough to make it hard to do anything of importance or with meaning. Anhedonia is a word used by us in the "psych" world to describe an inability to experience pleasure. Do I experience pleasure? Yes. But I find myself always the person looking through a window at life inside apart from the warmth of family and friends. I see life but I'm never quite completely part of it. I'm the little kid with their nose pressed up against the store window wanting the candy inside but unable to get it.
I don't know if things will get better. I look back at all the sabotaged relationships I've had. I can't stand getting close to anybody. I don't want them to know my darkest secrets. I don't want them to expect too much of me. I don't want to be responsible for their feelings.
I've talked about war, violence, peace and justice ad nauseam to an empty room. I've wanted to make a difference through my words but found I'm just one of millions wanting the same thing. Blogs are a dime a dozen full of inane thoughts of the writer. Why should someone care what I think? Why should I care what someone else thinks?
I used to think I should care what someone else thinks but found it caused me too much discomfort. If I cared what they felt I took on some of their burden as well as the good things they brought with them. If I cared about the thoughts of others I might become human. I don't want to feel the pain of a child soldier in some third world country like Sudan. I don't want to take on the depression of a Palestinian family oppressed by Zionists. I don't want to hear about the families in Basrah or Baghdad living in fear of bombs, bullets and destruction.
I'm American. I have enough angst wondering if they'll foreclose on my home which is too large for just me and the wife. I worry too much about the debt I incurred buying into the American nightmare of instant gratification and consumption to give a damn about a starving child two oceans away.
We here in this country wonder how anybody could dislike us. We are the greatest nation in the world we tell ourselves and to question that is to become a pariah, a communist, a terrorist and an enemy of all that is American. I go to functions my wife wants me to go to with her and find myself so completely alienated by all the excess I find around me I can hardly keep from erupting in a profanity laced rage. I wonder if she wants all that her friends seem to have. The big pictures, the lofts, the urban lifestyle with good furniture and all the latest trendy items to only look at and never touch. I've certainly failed her if that's what she wanted.
I look at my kids as the hardest part of my life. How did I fail them so badly? Crack cocaine became their refuge from me. One still fights the addiction and the other is so closed off I never know what he thinks. My grandkids are beautiful but I am aloof and detached with them just like I am with everybody in my life. The kid with his nose pressed against the store window of life never able to enter and take part in the sweetness of life. That's me.

Tool of The Rich

What part of Obama's speech in Cairo should give us hope for a new relationship with the Islamic world? Rhetoric is just rhetoric when actions contradict. Obama has become the new salesman for the American royalty of rich power brokers and entitled elitists.

The significance of Obama's journey to the Middle East to give a polished speech he began writing before his election is window dressing and disingenuous. His destinations of Saudi Arabia and Egypt are the cues to his lack of sincerity toward the Muslim world. He chose the two most repressive regimes of the region to curry favor with the long misunderstood and vilified people of Islamic faith. He spoke eloquently about peace in Palestine and even dared to challenge Israel but his failure to speak of the repression of Egypt's Mubarak and the Saudi royal family makes his words hollow and hypocritical.

Progressives and liberals may want us to give Obama time but families sending their sons and daughters off to the quagmires of Iraq and Afghanistan war wonder when enough is enough after multiple deployments of their loved ones. Yes, there is still two wars being waged in the name of this nation and billions each month is being spent to fund them. Billions that could be spent to "bail-out" the millions who have lost jobs due to the handling of the phony economic crisis.

What goodwill is being gained by this nation when we continue to wage illegal and immoral wars in nations of large Islamic populations? And how do we stem the hatred toward Americans when we send drones into Pakistan and make multiple mistakes in bombing the homes of innocent civilians instead of the alleged enemy?

As expected the new deal of Obama has turned out to be the same old deal of oligarchy, imperialism and nationalistic insanity. As expected Obama has sold out to the self appointed "royalty" of America. The richest families and multi-national corporations continue to wield the greatest influence and power in this alleged democracy. Locally and nationally special interests buy the elected political prostitutes while the poor and diminishing middle class go begging for table scraps of the great American dream.

While Obama speaks with a charisma not heard since JFK, like JFK he is merely a tool of a corrupted system never meant to be about "we, the people".

Wm. Terry Leichner, RN

Denver VVAW member